Pickl Vision

So I wake up this morning and see this link about Christian Bale goign absolutley beserk on the set of Terminator 4. Aparently the DP (Director of Photography) kept wandering onto the set and Bale just fuckin’ lost it. Check it out:

http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/020209_christianbale.mp3

Gah-damn.

After a long hiatus, I have decided to start writing for Picklvision again. Whether or not the other guys want to is up to them. I have been distracted with an endless list of things since last summer, and just kinda gave up on the site.

Many of my professors have told me I have a talent for writing, so I’ve decided that if nothing else, this site will help sharpen my skills further. And fuck it, it’s just fun to write for this site anyway.

Expect more hilarious shit soon.

My faith is renewed in a plan that not even numbers can deny. After plugging it into an excel spreadsheet and modeling it for hours, i have concluded the following:

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of AIG stock one year ago you would have $44.34 left.

With Wachovia, you would have had $54.74 left of the original $1,000.00.

With Lehman, you would have had $0.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago…drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash.

The numbers speak for themselves

Everyone has heard that military jobs are being replaced by special, highly-trained contractors from various Private Military Companies.  Some of these guys are making upwards of over $1000 per day. PMC is a relatively new business, however mercenaries have been around since the dawn of war.  The shitty thing about being a soldier is that in peace time you are out of work. Being a professional soldier means that you can have work at all times because lets face it, theres always some conflict going on in the world, and Africa always has something going on for ya!

PMC’s are an emerging $100 billion a year business, and we all want a piece of that action. Halliburton operates on a cost plus contract, meaning that taxpayers pay all of their expenses as well as a percentage expenses in profit. The more they spend the more money they make, so its in their best interest to spend as much as possible. So whats it take to start your own PMC?

1.) Create small security company (make sure the Head official of said company is over 21, preferably with military experience, security clearance, and a clean record), Go through usual small business-making steps.

2.)Do unarmed small-time security while paperwork (you’ll see) clears, just to build up a few ‘procurement funds’

3.)Have >21 year-old founder go through paperwork to get self/business assigned FFL/SOT status

4.)Once you have FFL/SOT status, you are able to buy weapons. Other paperwork may be needed for the ability to field said weapons, legal issues, whatever.

5.)Apply for DUNS number through Dun & Bradstreet

6.)Register with CCR (Central Contractor Registration) to make yourself a bidding contestant

7.)Learn up on Contracting/bidding processes,

8.)Find opportunities and bid away, all the while continuing to do security back home.

There’s no reason to apply to Blackwater, Aegis Defense Systems, Executive Outcomes, KBR, Halliburton. Start your own PMC, and be a badass Operator. Don’t Forget that PMC’s operate outside of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, so its all fair.

Anyone located in the North East is certainly feeling the effects of the heatwave we have been having. Whether its the high heat for spring time, lol 90+, or the unbearable humidity, we all know how to cope with it. For those of us fortunate enough to have air conditioning it seems like this is the week that they got turned out despite our best efforts to prong long their use. One of the best purchases I have ever made was an Air Conditioning unit from Best Buy four years ago. For some reason my parents thought that a house in New Hampshire was sufficient cooling, and central air was not required in Connecticut.

Sitting at my computer with beads of sweat accumulating on my head even though there are two fans blowing on me is a sign that I need to get out my air conditioner. I played with the idea over the weekend with the first few days thinking that I could rough it out until the heat broke, but it hasn’t happened. I kept telling myself that it would be more work to put it in my window than I would benefit from the cool air. Today got the best of me and my room is slowly cooling off as I type this.

What could be causing this heat so early in the year. It’s just barely June and we already have 90 degree days. Your typical lefty will point to Global Warming as the culprit and unfortunately I would be one to agree. With my friend buying a scooter recently to save on these gas prices. Lol lets blame Bush for the high gas prices, you know, in are centrally planned economy, he set them so high! A scooter sounds like fun and all but Im having a hard time picturing myself on one. Lately i have been driving an Explorer to get around as my normal whip is in the shop. It will be done next week they keep telling me. Gassed up Saturday at $95 to fill the tank, and I loved every minute of it. I was driving with the windows down, arm out the window, hot as shit and it hits me: this doesn’t make sense, I’m getting around 8 mpg when I push down the pedal and hear the roar of that 5.0L. Then Van Halen comes on the radio, I adjust the side view mirror, and realize how many it is to waste gas. It’s how my father did it, It’s how America should do it, and it’s how I’m gonna do it

It’s been a helluva few weeks for the world of MMA. Last weekend was UFC 84 of course, with BJ Penn’s TKO victory over Sean Sherk and the “Dean of Mean” being beaten into catatonic state. This whetted our appetites for this weekend’s sweet n’ sour helping of MMA action.

Last night as most of you know was the debut of EliteXC on CBS. I’m just going to get this out of the way real quick…IT FUCKING SUCKED. The whole thing was so cheesy and overdone. Whenever there was an unanticipated gap in between fights, they would send dancing girls out to gyrate in front of the crowd to make them forget how much the show blew. Camera angles were fucked. During the main event, they inexplicably switched from a closeup shot to a camera in the far back of the arena (?). Each fighter, no matter how mediocre, had his own fucking laser light show. Terrible, sloppy production helped to ruin what should have been an awesome program.

But that wasn’t even the worst part…oh, no. The fights themselves were what made you wish you had those two hours back when you turned off the TV.

First fight: I don’t even remember these clowns’ names, but one of them came out with Busta Rhymes, who sang his intro, so I automatically hated him. Very quick TKO.

2nd fight: Phil Baroni vs. Joey Villasenor. Phil Baroni is kind of funny, I’ll admit. His unbelievable swagger up to the ring is hilarious. His style is more suited for the WWE than an MMA league. This was confirmed by his fourth consecutive loss (another fast TKO). I found the commentator’s remark that a win for Baroni would “restore his legendary confidence” very funny. Je-zus, I can only imagine what is this guy like on a winning streak No offense Phil, it might be time to take a break for a while.

3rd fight: Here we go! I was annoyed at this point at how much this program sucked, but a female MMA match, something I’d never seen before, saved the day. That girl who fought Gina Carrano got her shit wrecked. She looked like she belonged in a battered women’s shelter. Gina is quite hot BTW, which is why I ended up rooting for her. Beauty and brawn in one sexy package. 2nd best fight of the night.

I’d like to get in her gaurd.

Robbie Lawler vs. Scott Smith, a title match, was a good fight. It was getting pretty damn vicious until that bullshit doctor stoppage. THERE WAS NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH HIS EYE! I am positive they stopped the best fight of the night early because of the shows 2-hour time limit, so Kimbo’s fight could be broadcast sooner. Pure crap.

And of course, the much-hyped. Kimbo Slice vs. James Thompson…what a sloppy, boring fight. Kimbo has no ground game at all. He has absolutely no idea what to do on his back. Thompson was practically giving him half-guards but he never took advantage. Thompson, while not as wasn’t that great either. I think the stoppage was legit, but if it hadn’t come to that, some sort of rigging would have taken place. After seeing that BS in the previous match, I am convinced EliteXC would never let someone as hyped as Kimbo lose in the debut program. Very mediocre show. All I could think think of while watching this was that somewhere, Dana White is sitting on a throne with a fluffy white cat on his lap, watching and rubbing his hands together saying “Excellent! Everything’s going according to plan…”

I believe Elite XC on CBS is going to be a monthly thing…enjoy this program while it lasts, it ain’t gonna be around very long.

After that disappointment I was looking forward to match I knew would deliver the goods: Uriah Faber vs. Jens Pulver.

I came into this pulling for Pulver. I respect Faber, he is a true natural athlete. But at the same time, I feel that Faber is big fish in a little pond. Nobody he’s faced has really challenged him, and if anyone could do it, a ruthless MMA legend like Pulver could.

Despite Pulver’s boasting that the fight would never go to 5 rounds, that’s exactly what happened. Both these guys have incredible stamina. Faber was definietly more aggressive at first, but his punches seemed to have no effect on Pulver…the guy has an Iron head, not just a jaw. He took repeated strikes to the face like they were nothing, and then smiled at Faber afterward!

Pulver gave a solid performance, but he definitely wasn’t aggressive enough. More than a few times, he had Faber against the cage in retreat, but he never went in for the kill. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for one of Pulver’s trademark left handed knockouts, but to no avail. The fight lasted five brutal rounds, with Faber winning by decision.

Also worth mentioning is the Bantamweight title match preceding Pulver vs. Faber. Wow, what a fucking war! Torres and Maeda beat each other senseless for 4 rounds until the doctors had to put a stop to it. Maeda’s face was the color of an eggplant and his right eye swollen shut, and blood streamed down the face of the defending champion Miguel Torres. At one point, they both put each other in kneebars at the same time!! Absolute brutality, easily one of the best fights I have ever seen. Keep your eyes on these two.

Well, it’s been a great summer of fights so far, and with UFC 85 coming up this Saturday, it’s only going to get better! Expect reviews of that as well. Take care.

-DS.

As for as handhelds go, I have to say the PSP is the most fun I have had yet. Ever since WoW’s release in 2004 I have been unable to play any games besides that. Few to no console games interest me, but something about the PSP sparked my interest. It was a total impulse buy but so far I am happy with it.

Little about my PSP:
Daxter Silver PSP lite
8gb produo memory card
3.90 m33-2 CFW

When I saw that there was a GPS unit released in japan, but not in the US market I was a little unhappy that they receive all the cool accessories. After some research I found that the unit works with all PSP’s and that there is homebrew map software that can be put on the PSP, and using a google maps tool, you decide where you want your detailed maps to be. So far I am still learning out to use that program, but I have a detailed road map for my town and surrounding area.

As you can see in the pictures, the unit itself is really small and goes on top of the PSP in the USB slot. The software I’m using is called Map This, I found out all my information for this mod from the creator, Deniska’s site - Deniska`s PSP Development Site :: The Home of Map This the Map and GPS Software for the PSP. Once you have your map created, you upload it to your PSP via USB cable, and start up the software. The only complaint I hvae for the GPS unit is the length of time it takes for the receiver to lock onto the required satellites. I am not sure how long other devices take(tom tom etc) but it takes about anywhere from 1-3 mins for a lock, and location. However once the satellites are locked on there is very little lag, and it’s pretty cool to be able to drive around knowing the exact names of streets you are on and other places.

Through the software Mapthis, you can create points of interest on the map, and it even can give Driving directions verbally(turn left/right etc) Still playing around with the software that you use to create maps, Google maps downloader its called. If anyone is interested in picking up the GPS unit, I hear that it is actually going to be released in the US sometime this year, but who knows. I went ahead and ordered mine from Play-asia.com. It was on backorder for a number of weeks, but as soon as it was available I ordered it. For only 59.99 I turned my already awesome handheld, into a nav device for my car. The next purchase will most likely be some kind of mount or stand for it.

The unit is pivots on top, so you can fold it down so its not sticking up. The sticker on the back is from my friend when I let her play it, my choice is to peel it off and leave that ugly white sticker residue or have a slightly gay princess jasmine sticker. I went with the former =/

Does it live up to the hype? Aww fucking yeah!

Above: Ironman plays catch with a soccer mom and her litter.

Beginning with Sam Raimi’s Spiderman in 2002, superhero films have made a a huge comeback. The wall-crawler received two sequels, X-Men was made into a superb action-trilogy, and Christian Bale stole the show in 2005 with Batman Begins, probably the best film out of this recent wave of superhero flicks.

But there were also those that fell flat on their faces. (Fantastic Four, anyone?) I admit, when I saw preview for Iroman back in January I was skeptical. I was never really into Iroman that much as a kid. Spiderman was more my thing. I went to the theatre not really knowing what to expect. Would it be just another attempt to cash in on the trend of superhero films? I am glad to inform you that this is not the case.

One thing that makes Ironman stand out from the rest of the comics-to-movie crop is that it’s quite funny. The depicts billionaire weapons designer Tony Stark(Robert Downey Jr.) as a drunken, womanizing playboy, throwing away money like it’s nothing and delivering quick one-liners to anyone who’s wit doesn’t measure up to his (which means pretty much everyone). One amusing scene features Lt. Rhodes (Terrance Howard) berating Stark for being late for his private flight, then instantly switches to a scene of him drunk hanging onto Stark telling him what a swell guy he is, while hot flight attendants dance on a pole that rises out of the floor. I found this especially funny because I was wolfing down a Yuengling Black & Tan at the time. Stark epitomizes the idea of the “likeable asshole”, yet there is a depth to his character. He has everything one could want, but like many who’ve achieved immeasurable material success, he feels empty inside.

The story starts off with Stark traveling to Afghanistan to demonstrate his latest design. Unfortunately, a roadside bomb puts a little kink in his plans. He is captured by terrorists who hold him prisoner, forcing him to construct weapons for them. Stark decides to turn the tables and build a powered amour suit and bust out. I actually kind of liked his first suit better; it’s more heavy and menacing than his advanced model which he sports throughout the rest of the film. The decision to go with Islamic terrorists as the initial bad guys was no brainier as it is timely and because the original comic was set in Vietnam. I never get tired of seeing those cowardly camel-jockeys get what they deserve.

The fights are well scripted, and more explosions and twisted metal than hand to hand. Ironman makes short work of the terrorists, and he doesn’t get any real competition until a senior member of his own company (Jeff Bridges)turns on him. His suit is twelve feet tall and tosses minivans like rag dolls. As you might expect, the ensuing battle = awesome squared.

Gwenyth Paltrow gives a good performance as Starks faithful but shy assistant who is secretly in love with him. Jeff Bridges with his big fat cigars and big fat body is the classic evil corporate figure. If you stayed after the credits like my geeky friends you will see Samuel L. Jackson make a quick appearance as Nick Fury. And finally, Terrance Howard hints that he may appear as War Machine in the sequel! Actually, there are two sequels in the works. I think we can all agree a “hells yes” is in order.

In the end, I can say with confidence that Ironman is one of the better superhero flicks of recent years and is well worth your money. Just the thing to hold you over until The Dark Night…or a 300 sequel where zombie Leonidas and zombie Reagan destroy Ahmadinejad. Take care, people.

–DS

Our friends at Arthur’s Hall of Viking Manliness have given Picklvision a little sponsorship. I posted a link to last week’s Japan article on the Viking Forum and the webmaster liked it so much he offered to post it on their site as well. Here’s the link.

If you haven’t seen this site before, check it out. It is seriously one of the funniest and greatest websites on the internet. I am on there almost everyday on the forum posting under the name Archangel. Be sure to join, it’s a great community.

I also wrote the 25 Manliest Films article last year, give a read while you’re there.

–DS

There was a time when the Japanese were a feared race. When samurai would compose soulful haikus in the shade of a cherry blossom grove. When the Empire of the Sun stretched all the way across the pacific and dared to challenge the sleeping American giant.

But no more.

Now the people who once ruled the Pacific, humbled by their defeat in WWII, have evolved. Like a bold young clefairy in the presence of a moonstone, Japan has risen from the ashes of the Enola Gay’s thermonuclear doose and transformed into a new being- a group consciousness, void of decency, logic or pride.

Japan, a once proud warrior culture has transformed into a twisted mockery of its former self. Picture if you will, if Uncle Sam picked up a drunken geisha after riveting evening of kabuki theatre. After a little too much rice wine and some disorientation brought on by constant ringing of massive gongs, the geisha trips over her giant wooden platform shoes and lands on Uncle Sam’s firm phallus of freedom and the two conceive a child. Now picture the geisha continuing to drink sake like a fish during the course of pregnancy. Throw in some demilitarization and crystal meth and voila! You have modern Japan- a warped, bizarre version of Western Culture, minus the pretense of human decency that supposedly goes along with it.

There is a veritable laundry-list of wickedness that has spewed forth from Nippon’s gaping maw in the last few decades. Pokemon, for example. Now I am not ashamed to say that I loved pokemon when I was 12. I collected the cards just like everyone else. I had a first edition Venusaur and I was the shit! Then I saw Pokemon: The First Movie! in theatres and hated it so much I stopped liking it that same day. Underneath the cute and addictive surface the message of pokemon is clear: Catching cute animals fighting them almost to death is fun! I can only imagine how many pets went missing in the late 90s because of this franchise. Sorry kids, there are no poke’centers in real life to heal your fuzzy toys. I am not an animal-rights person and don’t really care about sports like cockfighting, but making a cutesy version of it with queerly proportioned semi-sentient fauna that incessantly chirp their own names was not necessary.

While pokemon was simply strange, other forms of Japanese entertainment are downright perverse. We’re all familiar with anime- and the giant eyes, head-sized breasts and purple hair that comes with it, and most of that is harmless. But some anime forsakes the usual topics of vampires and humanoid robots for sex. Lots and lots of glorious, tentacle-ridden sex. Hentai (japornamation) is a booming industry. Oh c’mon, your P.C. conscience tells you, not all Japanese cartoons are like that. You’re being unfair, I used to think that too. Then I saw this. Nobody told me Tojo was into animation. The Rape of Nanking ain’t got shit on this.

Aside from animated evil, Japan is leading exporter in plain ol’ weirdness. Exhibit A:

Does some want to tell me what the fuck is going on in this picture? This photo is an act of violence against common sense, and believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg!

Here we have some Kidsbeer, the beer for kids! Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink is the official slogan of this beer aimed at children.

Not content with mere animated cockfighting and tentacle-rape, Japanese brewers have decided to encourage alcoholism among children in a country with one of the highest suicide rates in the world! HolySantaClausemylifesucksgetmeakidsbeerbefore-Ismackyousubervientwife! is now what little Hiroki says to his mother when he gets home from school. He’l be sararyman of the year in no time with that attitude!

And then there are the used panties vending machines, the humiliating game shows, the fish market a short drive from my home which offers weekly specials on Swardfish and Smorked Salmon. But then, there is this:

JAPAN HAS GONE METRO.

Disgusting. You know, all the other stuff I might have forgiven had I not discovered this. According to this article, Japanese men are now interested in shopping, own pink mobile phones strive to be skinny and cute.

And it seems Japanese women are picking up the slack for these so-called men:

Both Shirakawa and his girlfriend like the fact that she weighs more than he does, and is the leader of the couple. “She’s a lot stronger than I am, can lift heavy things and go drinking until dawn. I admire that about her, and feel protected when I’m around her,” he said. Older than he by five years, it was Shirakawa’s girlfriend who made the approach, started the dating process and decided what course their relationship would take.

“Frankly, I think women should be in the driver’s seat. Society and relationships work better that way,” he said. Shirakawa likes to wear his girlfriend’s clothes and often shows up for work wearing her blouse and jeans, to the general approval of his co-workers.

Hirayama said: “For young men, wearing women’s clothes has almost become a status symbol - a confirmation of being slim and pretty and, therefore, desirable. Young women, on the other hand, are less interested now in looking beautiful for the benefit of young men. They dress up for themselves, for their own satisfaction.”

What the fuck? Maybe this is karma punishing them for Pearl Harbor but good god, I almost pity Japan. The noble legacy of the samurai has given way to…this? Not even Arnold’s pivotal appearance in this hot sauce commercial could stop the castration of a nation. If this is not proof positive that a third nuking is required on the Japanese isles than I don’t know what is.

Now don’t get the wrong impression here; I do not hate Japan. Lots of great things like Nintendo, Pride FC and superior auto-engineering have come from them. I love Japanese food and genuinely admire traditional Japanese culture. But someone has held the sleazestone up to Japan and it made it evolve into a horrid parody of its’ former self. And like a faithful dog that has fallen ill and now wanders about the house limping and shitting itself, it’s time to put it down.