Pickl Vision

Pardon my lack of updates, I am in the process of recovering from a week of severe sleep deprivation. I now understand why it is used as a form of torture. I would like to say that it was brought on by raucous drinking and fornicating, but no, the doctors think I have Hyperthyroid, of which insomnia is a symptom. Anyway, the doc doesn’t want me to drink or ingest any stimulants this weekend, which means I will have to (gasp) have fun without substance abuse.

This has made me think about how much we all enjoy this activity and take it for granted. In case you haven’t figured out from my posting name (or my first story), I enjoy it as well. It has also made me realize how much trouble I get in when drinking is involved. Take my return to college as an example. I kind of made eye contact with a campus safety officer with a bottle of champagne raised to my lips. Leave it to DS to receive an alcohol citation within SEVEN HOURS of checking in for his junior year of college. I found this story funny, and thought nothing of it. What I didn’t find funny was the $100 fine, 65 for the offense, and 35 for some stupid online class.

I logged into my class website which I learned is designed by a group called the “Bacchus Network”. Bacchus. Acronym my ass, does anyone else see the irony here? A class designed to explain the perils of excessive drinking is designed by an organization named after the Roman god of drunken revelry! A god so vile, so decadent, that the Romans, one of the most debauched cultures of antiquity, outlawed his holiday. (I am considering hosting a Bacchanalia party in my apartment; I will post on that to let everyone know how that goes.) The “class” is basically a flash slide-show with pictures of ethnically diverse groups of stock-model friends laughing, drinking and having a good time, while a spoken narration spews all kinds of statistics and important stuff I probably should have paid more attention to. I like the “scenarios” part of the show, with pictures of “average college guys” narrating their nights events. One went something like: “I’m Mark, I’m 23, about 200 lbs. I went over my buddy’s apartment around 8 to play some Madden on the PS2.”

DrunkenSpartan’s inner monologue: “PS2? Madden? I can relate to that.”

Later the fun parts came. The class led you through a “virtual Saturday night” where you had to choose the outcome of your night, based on what you have learned. I chose to drink, but not so much that I would have to repeat the test. Next came a slide asking you whether or not you want to so hook up with a friendly girl you’ve been talking to all night. I did what I normally would do, and hooked up with her. Next came a screen with six possible outcomes for this decision, with a picture of a male face linking you to each outcome. One of them was “ She starts to cry so you tell her to be quiet and cover her mouth with your hand. You tell yourself everything’s fine, but deep inside you can’t help but feel guilty.” I think that one was linked from the picture of the black kid. Inadvertent racism? You be the judge.

After I “graduated” from my class, I started getting insomnia and now here I am. I guess I will try to behave myself tonight which will be considerably easier than a normal Friday. The liquor doesn’t make me an asshole, it accucents the asshole within. It just tells that little angel on my shoulder to fuck off, so you people have funny stuff to read about. Alright, I gotta go to work, which consists of me sitting in a computer lab while deaf people frantically gesture to one another. And yes, I am working on fucking comic#1, it will be done soon, along with some more posts I had in mind. Stay tuned, and if you’re not me, stay drunk.