Pickl Vision

There was a time when the Japanese were a feared race. When samurai would compose soulful haikus in the shade of a cherry blossom grove. When the Empire of the Sun stretched all the way across the pacific and dared to challenge the sleeping American giant.

But no more.

Now the people who once ruled the Pacific, humbled by their defeat in WWII, have evolved. Like a bold young clefairy in the presence of a moonstone, Japan has risen from the ashes of the Enola Gay’s thermonuclear doose and transformed into a new being- a group consciousness, void of decency, logic or pride.

Japan, a once proud warrior culture has transformed into a twisted mockery of its former self. Picture if you will, if Uncle Sam picked up a drunken geisha after riveting evening of kabuki theatre. After a little too much rice wine and some disorientation brought on by constant ringing of massive gongs, the geisha trips over her giant wooden platform shoes and lands on Uncle Sam’s firm phallus of freedom and the two conceive a child. Now picture the geisha continuing to drink sake like a fish during the course of pregnancy. Throw in some demilitarization and crystal meth and voila! You have modern Japan- a warped, bizarre version of Western Culture, minus the pretense of human decency that supposedly goes along with it.

There is a veritable laundry-list of wickedness that has spewed forth from Nippon’s gaping maw in the last few decades. Pokemon, for example. Now I am not ashamed to say that I loved pokemon when I was 12. I collected the cards just like everyone else. I had a first edition Venusaur and I was the shit! Then I saw Pokemon: The First Movie! in theatres and hated it so much I stopped liking it that same day. Underneath the cute and addictive surface the message of pokemon is clear: Catching cute animals fighting them almost to death is fun! I can only imagine how many pets went missing in the late 90s because of this franchise. Sorry kids, there are no poke’centers in real life to heal your fuzzy toys. I am not an animal-rights person and don’t really care about sports like cockfighting, but making a cutesy version of it with queerly proportioned semi-sentient fauna that incessantly chirp their own names was not necessary.

While pokemon was simply strange, other forms of Japanese entertainment are downright perverse. We’re all familiar with anime- and the giant eyes, head-sized breasts and purple hair that comes with it, and most of that is harmless. But some anime forsakes the usual topics of vampires and humanoid robots for sex. Lots and lots of glorious, tentacle-ridden sex. Hentai (japornamation) is a booming industry. Oh c’mon, your P.C. conscience tells you, not all Japanese cartoons are like that. You’re being unfair, I used to think that too. Then I saw this. Nobody told me Tojo was into animation. The Rape of Nanking ain’t got shit on this.

Aside from animated evil, Japan is leading exporter in plain ol’ weirdness. Exhibit A:

Does some want to tell me what the fuck is going on in this picture? This photo is an act of violence against common sense, and believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg!

Here we have some Kidsbeer, the beer for kids! Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink is the official slogan of this beer aimed at children.

Not content with mere animated cockfighting and tentacle-rape, Japanese brewers have decided to encourage alcoholism among children in a country with one of the highest suicide rates in the world! HolySantaClausemylifesucksgetmeakidsbeerbefore-Ismackyousubervientwife! is now what little Hiroki says to his mother when he gets home from school. He’l be sararyman of the year in no time with that attitude!

And then there are the used panties vending machines, the humiliating game shows, the fish market a short drive from my home which offers weekly specials on Swardfish and Smorked Salmon. But then, there is this:

JAPAN HAS GONE METRO.

Disgusting. You know, all the other stuff I might have forgiven had I not discovered this. According to this article, Japanese men are now interested in shopping, own pink mobile phones strive to be skinny and cute.

And it seems Japanese women are picking up the slack for these so-called men:

Both Shirakawa and his girlfriend like the fact that she weighs more than he does, and is the leader of the couple. “She’s a lot stronger than I am, can lift heavy things and go drinking until dawn. I admire that about her, and feel protected when I’m around her,” he said. Older than he by five years, it was Shirakawa’s girlfriend who made the approach, started the dating process and decided what course their relationship would take.

“Frankly, I think women should be in the driver’s seat. Society and relationships work better that way,” he said. Shirakawa likes to wear his girlfriend’s clothes and often shows up for work wearing her blouse and jeans, to the general approval of his co-workers.

Hirayama said: “For young men, wearing women’s clothes has almost become a status symbol - a confirmation of being slim and pretty and, therefore, desirable. Young women, on the other hand, are less interested now in looking beautiful for the benefit of young men. They dress up for themselves, for their own satisfaction.”

What the fuck? Maybe this is karma punishing them for Pearl Harbor but good god, I almost pity Japan. The noble legacy of the samurai has given way to…this? Not even Arnold’s pivotal appearance in this hot sauce commercial could stop the castration of a nation. If this is not proof positive that a third nuking is required on the Japanese isles than I don’t know what is.

Now don’t get the wrong impression here; I do not hate Japan. Lots of great things like Nintendo, Pride FC and superior auto-engineering have come from them. I love Japanese food and genuinely admire traditional Japanese culture. But someone has held the sleazestone up to Japan and it made it evolve into a horrid parody of its’ former self. And like a faithful dog that has fallen ill and now wanders about the house limping and shitting itself, it’s time to put it down.